


Choices

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Humor, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-08-27
Updated: 2000-08-27
Packaged: 2018-11-10 06:02:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11121348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Someone from Fraser's recent past threatens to come between him and Kowalski





	Choices

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

_Due South_ characters belong to Alliance. This story is rated NC-17 for m/m sexual interaction and language. Thank you, Alison and Linda for all your help, encouragement and comments. If not for you, this would still be on my desktop taunting me.

Minor spoilers for _Bounty Hunter_.

What'cha think? Feedback, positive or negative, welcome 

Choices

by Alberta

The envelope is laying there by itself on his otherwise neat-as-a-pin desk, so my eyes are drawn to it. Recognizing the name in the return address, I reach for it without thinking. It's from Janet Morse, that bounty hunter chick Frase had the hots for a few months ago. I study the envelope for a few seconds, and make a decision. Glancing up to find no Fraser in sight, I start to remove the letter from the envelope, but then I stop; no way I should be doing this. I take a deep breath. Can't help myself; I have to know why she's writing to Fraser. So, I take out the letter and start reading. 

Oh god. I feel my throat closing up, and I'm having a hard time breathing. Her husband took off for good, and she's asking Fraser to come stay with her. Why the hell didn't he tell me about this? I look at the envelope again and check the postmark...shit; it's two fucking weeks old. I hear Fraser coming towards the office. Good. I would've gone looking for him otherwise. 

"So, when were you gonna tell me about this, Fraser?" I shove the letter in his face as he walks into his office. He looks surprised at first, but then I can see he's pissed. I don't give a shit; I wanna know why he didn't tell me. He stops in the doorway.

"I wasn't aware that you were in the habit of reading other people's mail, Ray." No way is he gonna turn this around on me.

"Damn it, Fraser, you know I don't, but this letter affects my life...no, _our_ lives. It's postmarked almost two weeks ago, so I'm asking you again, when were you gonna tell me?" I'm still holding the letter in his face, and I know he doesn't like it. He tries to take it from me, but I don't want to give it to him. Not until he tells me.

"I'm not sure," he says, and he walks into the office and sits on the edge of his desk.

"What the fuck does that mean?" I spit at him. "You get a letter from this bounty hunter chick asking you to come stay with her, and you're not sure you're gonna tell me about it? What the fuck's going on here?" I know I'm yelling and pushing the letter in his face, but I'm too pissed at him to stop. And I'm so wrapped up in glaring into his eyes, I don't notice his arm coming up, and he snatches the letter from my hand. I study his face, but I can't read him, although it's obvious he's ticked that I read his mail. Tough shit, Fraser. He avoids my eyes and doesn't answer me. Then it occurs to me what's going on in that ordered head of his, and I'm scared to death.

"Jesus, Fraser, you're thinking about going to see her, aren't you?" I'm praying he says no, but it makes sense...that's why he didn't tell me about the letter. He gets up and reaches for me, but I don't want him touching me now; I don't want any distractions, so I step back and hold my hands up to stop him. 

"Ray, I....."

"Fuck, I don't believe this." I swing around away from him, I can't look at his face. He's going to see her, to be with her. I don't know if I can take this. I turn to face him again and force the words out. "You love her?"

"No, Ray, you know I love you," he says without hesitating, and he's reaching for me again. But I move away.

"Then why are you going?" 

"I haven't decided yet if I am going. That's why I didn't tell you about the letter," he says. Shit. I can't let him go to her, I don't want to lose him.

"What did I do wrong, Frase? Just tell me, so I can make it right." I know I sound needy, but I can't help it. I'm afraid if he leaves, he'll never come back. I remember the way he looked at that bounty hunter, and he was really hurt when she left. It took a long time for him to get over her; I guess he never did. 

"You didn't do anything wrong, Ray. This doesn't have anything to do with you...."

"It's got everything to do with me, Fraser," I scream at him. "It's my fucking life we're talking about here too, not just yours." I'm pissed again, and now I'm shaking from anger, but I think it's also from fear. First Stella and now Fraser. I can't go through that again.

I look up to see him coming towards me, but this time I let him touch me. He puts his arms around my waist and pulls me to him, and I reflexively wrap my arms around his neck. I have to calm down, so I rest my head on his shoulder and take some deep breaths. He's rubbing my back and it feels so good. This is how it's supposed to be; I don't want to move from this spot. I just want to stay here with him rubbing my back and me resting my head on his shoulder. Why do all those other things have to exist anyway? They just get in the way. We stand there like that for a few minutes and then he stops rubbing my back. I lift my head and look at him.

"I'm sorry, Ray. I should've told you. We should talk about it now." I lean forward and kiss him softly; his lips are so warm.

"Let's not talk now, Frase," I murmur into his mouth. I lick his bottom lip and suck on it gently. I know he likes that. He starts to kiss me back, so I pull him closer and nudge my knee between his legs. He's getting hard. So I slip my tongue into his mouth, but he pulls away.

"Ray, we can't do this here, not now," he almost whispers.

"No one's around, Frase. We've done it here before. C'mon, I know you want it." I reach down and place my hand on his crotch and squeeze his cock through his jeans. 

"Ray, no!" He pushes me away.

"Jesus, Fraser, what's wrong?"

"We need to talk," he says, and he's holding me at arm's length with his hands on my shoulders. I can tell by the tone of his voice that nothing's gonna happen now in spite of the bulge in his jeans. I move back and his hands drop to his sides.

"Okay, Fraser, we'll talk." I sit on the edge of his desk with my arms folded across my chest. 

"So, are you going or not?" 

"Ray, it's not that simple, I can't just say 'yes' or 'no' to that question." Now I'm getting pissed again. 

"Why the fuck not, Fraser? You going or not? Yes or no. I don't wanna hear 'perhaps', or 'we'll see'. Just tell me."

"Listen to me, Ray," he says, his voice low like he's controlling his temper. "There are a lot of issues going on here, and we need to discuss them."

"What issues, Fraser? You just told me that you love me. That's all I need to know." He doesn't say anything, so I tell him what I think he wants to hear. "Look, you wanna go see her, fine, I'm good with that. I know you liked her. So, why's it so hard for you to just tell me that?"

"Because there's more to it, Ray. You read her letter...you saw what she wrote. She and her husband split up; she wants me to stay with her for a while. This would not be just a casual visit." Damn it. I was trying to forget all that.

"So what are you saying, Fraser? You wanna stay with her? Is that what you're saying? You wanna fuck her?" I slap my forehead with the heel of my hand like I just realized something. "Oh yeah, that's it, isn't it? You wanna fuck her and you need my permission, right?" I'm yelling again. Don't know why, I guess it's one of them defense mechanics or whatever you call'em. What I really wanna do is cry. And beg him to stay. But I won't do that; if he stays, it has to be 'cause he wants to.

"You know you don't mean that, Ray," he says quietly. He's right, I don't. 

"Fraser, just tell me what you want. If you want me to say I'm okay with you going off to stay with this Janet chick, I'm not gonna do that. You say you love me, but you still wanna go be with her. What the hell's going on with you?" I'm not mad anymore, I just want to know what's happening with him. I'm still scared, though. He looks at me and his face is crinkled up like he's in pain.

"I miss her, Ray." He says that to me like he's apologizing. I have to turn away from him 'cause I really feel like crying now. I put everything I have into this relationship with Fraser; I jumped into it with both feet, no looking back. I thought he did the same thing. But now I'm finding out otherwise; he still has feelings for Janet Morse. I guess he never told me 'cause he didn't even know it himself. Shit. I don't know what to do now, I don't know what he wants me to say. Neither one of us says anything for a while. Finally, I get up and walk to the door.

"I'm going home, Frase. As far as I'm concerned you already made up your mind. You miss her; you have to go to her." He takes a step closer to me. 

"Ray, you don't understand what's going on here, please let me explain." There's nothing to explain. He's leaving me to be with someone else. It hurts; it hurts a lot. I look down at the floor. 

"Um, if...when are you leaving?" I look back up at him. 

"Ray, please listen to me....."

"Just answer the question, Fraser!" He shrugs his shoulders.

"I'd have to request the time off. I...it would probably be next week." I nod and look back down at the floor. Can't believe we're talking about this like Fraser's just going to visit a friend for a couple days. I back up towards the door, but it's just so hard to leave; I stop and stand there still looking at the floor. Before I realize it, Fraser's in front of me pulling me towards him again. Maybe he changed his mind. I hug him hard; I'm pretty sure I'm squeezing the breath out of him. I can't help what comes out of my mouth.

"Stay, Frase, please...I need you."

I feel him stiffen up and I regret what I just said. I pull back from him avoiding his eyes.

"Ray....."

"No, Fraser, don't say anything." I turn around and walk out of his office, leaving the door open. I sprint down the hall grabbing my jacket off the reception desk, and then I'm out the door. I think I hear Fraser calling my name, but the door slams shut behind me, so I run to the car as fast as I can and drive off. It takes everything I got not to look in the rear view mirror.

********************

I'm dragging my butt up the stairs to my place. I'm tired of thinking. I gotta stop thinking. I unlock the door and let myself into the dark apartment and the first thing I see is the light blinking on the answering machine. Yeah, he called me. I knew he would. Means fucking nothing. I walk past the machine and shrug off my jacket, dropping it on the floor. Maybe I can find some music to drown my sorrows in...along with a glass of Jack Daniels. I push the ON button on the CD player without even noticing what's in the machine. Doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I go into the kitchen and turn on the light. The place is a fucking mess. S'okay, goes with the territory. Opening the cupboard, I take out the whiskey, grab a glass, turn out the light and head for the couch. I drop down into it, pouring myself the first of what will be many glasses, rest my head against the back, close my eyes and start drinking.

Damn it. In the dark room, the blinking of the answering machine is like a strobe light. I can even see it with my eyes closed. I get up and walk over to the machine and notice there are two messages. I could delete them, or I could listen to them. Before I have a chance to decide, the phone rings. Great. I pick it up.

"Yeah."

"Ray, I'm glad you're home, I was worried about you."

"You're off the case, Frase, remember? You don't have to worry about me anymore." I take another drink.

"Don't say that, Ray. I feel you're under a misconception concerning my visit to Janet."

"No misconception, Fraser. You miss her, you wanna be with her, hold her hand, fuck her....."

"Ray, stop it....."

"No, you stop it, Fraser!" I scream at him. What fucking right does he have to get pissed at me? "You made your decision, so why are you bothering me? I'm in the middle of something here." I finish the drink and look over to the bottle sitting on the coffee table. While I'm thinking about pouring another, I realize Fraser's saying something.

"...so you'll be there?" he says.

"What, what're you talking about, Fraser?"

"I'm coming over to talk to you, Ray. Promise me you won't go anywhere."

"I'm not going anywhere, but I don't wanna talk to you so don't bother coming." I'm still eyeing the bottle and it reminds me how much I need another drink. 

"Ray, please, don't do this. It's important that you hear what I have to say. You ran out of the Consulate before I had a chance to talk to you."

"You're mistaken there, Benton buddy. You talked plenty. I distinctly heard you say you missed her and you're gonna see her next week. That's all I needed to hear."

"No, Ray, it isn't. I also said I love you." Damn. Can't deal with this now. I stand there with the phone to my ear, not able to say anything. 

"Ray? Stay in your apartment and wait for me. I'll be there in fifteen minutes. All right? Ray?" I take a deep breath. "Yeah, yeah, okay, Fraser." 

"I'll see you in a little while." He hangs up the phone. I stand there with the receiver up to my ear and look over to the bottle again. I need a drink.

********************

I'm on my fourth, no fifth, drink...I think...when I hear him knock on the door. I down the last of whatever number this is and almost stagger to the door. I manage to avoid walking into the coffee table in the process, only to find myself tripping over my jacket that I left lying on the floor. I'm not drunk, but I ain't sober either. Fraser's not gonna like this. Fuck it. Hauling my butt off the floor, I finally make it to the door. I reach over to turn on the light switch, and then I swing the door open to find Fraser with his fist in the air ready to knock again. 

"Hey, Fraser, you gonna hit me?" I make a snorting noise that was supposed to be laugh. He looks confused.

"Why no, of course not." He looks at his fist and gets my meaning. Then he drops his arm to his side and stands there at attention, holding his Stetson in his other hand. I almost salute him. "May I come in?" he asks and he looks past me, like he doesn't know what he's gonna find in my castle.

"Yeah, sure." I move aside and let him in, and then I lean outside the doorway and look down the hall. "Where's Dief?"

"I left him at the Consulate." I turn around to find him picking my jacket up off the floor. Sitting down on the couch, he takes his jacket off and puts it down next to him with the Stetson on top. I close the door and walk over to him. He's staring at the bottle of Jack. 

"Wanna drink?" I ask him, and I hold the bottle out to him.

"You know very well that I don't drink," he says, and he sounds a little annoyed. I don't know if he's bothered that I offered him a drink, or that I've had some myself, although I think I'm doing a damn good job of covering it up.

"Are you drunk, Ray?" Okay, so I guess I'm not doing such a good job. 

"Hell, no. Somebody interrupted me," I say and drop down into the chair. He glances over to the answering machine and sees it blinking but doesn't say anything. Then he looks at me.

"Ray, we need to talk." I hate those words. I'm sick of hearing them.

"Talking ain't gonna change anything," I say, reaching for the bottle. He beats me to it and moves the bottle to the other end of the table. I'm pissed but keep my mouth shut.

"It might," he says.

"How Fraser? After you say everything you came here to say, you're still gonna see Janet Morse, right?" He sighs and looks down at the floor. I know I'm right, so I just lean back in my chair and rest my head against the back. So, now I'm looking at the ceiling and he's looking at the floor. Fucking great communication we got going here.

"I don't feel that way about her, Ray." I roll my head towards Fraser. 

"What way are you talking about?"

"The way I feel about you," he says, and he leans forward on the couch towards me. I wanna jump him right now, but I hold myself back. Those drinks I had make it even harder, but I know I can do it. 

"What're you saying, Fraser?" He gets off the couch and kneels in front of me. I feel myself being drawn to him, so I don't fight it and lean into him. It's getting harder and harder to keep from touching him, especially when he's this close. Our heads are only inches apart. When he talks the heat of his breath caresses my face.

"Ray, it's true I have feelings for Janet, but the nature of those feelings have changed, and that's because of you. I do feel a closeness with her, but that's as far as it goes."

"But you said you were gonna stay with her, that she split up with her husband, that going there would be more than a casual visit." I remember him saying that. Hearing him say those words and how he missed her really hurt.

"Yes, Ray, she needs my help. She's alone now with three children and she's turned to me...."

"Fraser, she's turned to you to replace her husband." Doesn't he realize that? I'm getting pissed again.

"I understand that, and it's one of the reasons I hesitated to go. I didn't want to give her the wrong impression. I'm sorry I kept this from you, Ray, I certainly never wanted anything like this to happen...for you to be misled by my actions."

"You said you missed her."

"I do miss her. I'm very fond of her. But I love you." He takes my hand and brings it to his lips. I don't know what to think now. I was sure he was telling me something different at the Consulate. But Fraser doesn't lie; if he says he doesn't have those feelings for her, then the doesn't have those feelings for her. He's kissing my palm now while he's staring into my eyes. I move my hand away and lean in towards him. He lifts his head and our lips meet, and everything's like it's supposed to be. He feels so good, his mouth against mine, his tongue sliding against my teeth. I suck on his tongue like it's my lifeline; god, I need him so bad. I slide off the chair so we're both on our knees, our bodies linked by our tongues. He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. His cock is hard against my body, and the thought of what's coming makes me moan into his mouth. I start rubbing up against him to let him know that I'm ready for him. He makes this sound in his throat and stands up, pulling me to my feet, our mouths still joined.

Everything's so good, so perfect, but then an image pops into my head and I can't push it away. I kiss Fraser harder, pumping against him; it feels fucking great, but that picture in my mind has decided to set up housekeeping. I pull back from Fraser and shake my head hard, but I can still see it; it's Fraser, and he's with Janet Morse, and he's kissing her...fucking her. Shit. My timing stinks. I never asked Fraser if he fucked Janet the night she stayed at the Consulate, and now, at this moment, it's the most important question in the world. Fraser's still holding me close, but I look up to find him staring at me with questioning eyes. 

"Ray, what's wrong?" His voice is breathless.

"Nothing, nothing, Frase." I put my hand behind his neck and pull him close so I can kiss him, but he resists.

"Ray, please tell me." Fuck. Now I did it. I can feel his cock getting soft like mine did a few minutes ago. Damn it, Kowalski, you're such a screw up.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, I...it's just that...I mean...shit!" I back away from him and drop back into the chair. I lean forward and bury my head in my hands. He's down on his knees in front of me again.

"Ray, what is it? What's wrong?" He sounds so worried. 

"Frase, I'm sorry, I just...I need to know something, I have to ask you something." I look at him and see so much concern on his face, I have to look away.

"What Ray, what is it? Just ask me," he places his hand on my thigh and strokes it lightly. I take a deep breath.

Keeping my eyes down, I finally get the words out, "Did you fu...um, make love to Janet that night she stayed at the Consulate?" He stops rubbing my thigh, so I look up at him. He's staring at me with this stunned look on his face. 

"Frase, I....." He stands up and backs away from me. Instinctively, I get up and start to approach him, but the expression on his face keeps me where I am.

"I can't believe you'd ask me that. Why? Why now? Don't you believe what I just told you?"

"Yeah, I do, I do. It's just that, I don't know, I guess I need to know if you have...a history with her, that's all." I'm trying to explain but I know I'm screwing up royally.

"A history? If I have a history with Janet, then accept it as just that, history...the past. What you and I should be concerned with is the present." He's hurt, and I guess I can understand why...I mean, it sounds like I don't trust him with her, but that's really not it...or is it? Oh shit, I don't know anymore. 

"Frase, I'm sorry, forget it. Forget I said anything." I take a step towards him, but he backs up 'til he almost falls over the coffee table.

"I think it would be best if I went back to the Consulate," he says and he walks sideways between me and the coffee table, being careful not to touch me. No way he's gonna forget what I just asked him. I blew it. Ain't' the first time.

"You don't have to go, Frase, I'm really sorry. It's just that, after finding that letter, I dunno, I guess all these feelings started coming over me..."

"I do need to go, Ray. We'll talk again tomorrow." He grabs his jacket and Stetson off the couch and walks towards the door. I follow him like a puppy. When he reaches the door, he turns to face me.

"So, I'll pick you up tomorrow morning?" I ask him, trying to pretend nothing happened.

"No, Ray, I have some projects to work on for Inspector Thatcher. I'll call you in the afternoon." A few minutes ago his voice was full of concern for me, now he just sounds cold. 

"Yeah, okay, Frase." I lean in to kiss him, but he looks down, so my lips sort of brush against his forehead. I guess I deserved that.

"Good-night, Ray." And he opens the door and closes it behind him. I grab the door knob and turn it. I want so much to call him back. But then I stop myself. Neither one of us is in the right state of mind, not after I opened my big fat mouth. I rest my forehead against the door.

"'Night, Frase. I love you."

********************

_Mmm, feels so good. Yeah, Frase. Keep doing it like that, oooh yeah, just like that. Oh god, don't stop.... Shit!_ I wake up to find myself coming all over my goddamn pillow, which, apparently, I was humping in my fucking dream. I pull the pillow out from under me and toss it on the floor; I'll deal with it later. Rolling over on my back I glance over to the clock. Five thirty. I could lie here and think about Fraser, or I could get up, grab a shower and go to work. Shit...Fraser. I hope I didn't drive him away, push him even more towards that Janet chick. He says he doesn't love her, but that doesn't mean he couldn't...I think he even did at one time. She could give him a future that I can't; marriage, a home with kids. He told me he doesn't care about that, but I ain't stupid. He took to her kids like he knew them all their lives. I saw the way he looked at their father playing with them; he wished it was him with them instead. Maybe he would be better off with her. I wince at the thought. 

Oh man, I gotta stop this. I crawl out of bed and my foot lands on my wet pillow. Yuck. Picking it up, I pull off the pillowcase and then check the rest of the pillow. Good, it didn't leak through yet. Maybe I should give some thought to buying plastic pillowcases. I look down at my pillow.

"Since I probably blew it with Fraser last night, it looks like you're gonna be my date from now on."

Oh jeez, stop it, Kowalski, stop thinking like that. And now I'm talking to the goddamn pillow. I get in the shower and it feels great, the hot water beating against my back. But I was wrong, getting a shower didn't make me stop thinking about Fraser. If I could just kick myself in the head, that might do the trick. I know I never should've asked him that question, and the truth is, it doesn't even matter now anyway. Fraser's right, that night is the past, and he's with me now, well, I hope he still wants to be with me. But, when I read that letter from Janet and saw that she was trying to get back into the picture, I felt I needed to know if anything happened between them. At least then I could understand who and what I'd be dealing with. But, I'm not gonna bring it up anymore. If Fraser doesn't tell me, I can live with that. Just so long as I didn't lose him last night.

********************

I arrive at the precinct by way of the Consulate. Don't know why I drove past it; guess I thought I'd see Fraser walking Dief or something. But I didn't. The lights in the front of the building were off, and even though I wanted to, I didn't park the car and walk around the side to see if Fraser's light was on. Jeez, I'm so fucking needy...where the hell did all this come from? Like I don't know the answer to that question. As much as I hate to give Stella all the credit, or should I say blame, I guess I have to. I'm so scared of losing Fraser...I never felt that way with Stella. And then she left me. Can't win either way. 

I reach over to the in box on my desk, pulling out a file and opening it. The Hastings case; Fraser and I been working on this one together. There's a note on the file from Welsh...it says he wants me and Fraser to interview some witnesses today who just came forward. Which means I have to call Fraser. I look at the clock, seven thirty. Too early to call. I decide to put the file aside and work on some other stuff. Then I'll call Fraser around ten; yeah, sounds like a plan. Actually, this can be a good thing 'cause it gives me a chance to talk to Fraser without mentioning last night. I know he can separate our work lives from our personal lives, hell, he's been doing it for the past few months.

After downing a gallon of caffeine in the form of mud, plus countless interruptions from Frannie on some stupid stuff, I look at my watch and see that it's ten-thirty. Time to call Fraser. My heart's pounding in my chest as I punch in the numbers. Turnbull answers on the first ring.

"Hey Turnbull, I gotta talk to Fraser."

"Good morning, Detective Vecchio, how nice to talk to you."

"Yeah, yeah, where's Fraser?" He's always so goddamn cheerful. I bet he's full of joy during a root canal.

"Well, Detective, Constable Fraser left early this morning before I arrived, and he didn't leave a note, which is very unlike him. Would you like to leave a message?" I feel a lump in my throat.

"Uh...no, um, does the Ice...uh, Inspector Thatcher know where he is?"

"Well, Inspector Thatcher is out as well, and I don't expect her to return until tomorrow, but if she calls in I can ask...."

"Forget it, Turnbull. Look, if you hear from Fraser, tell him to call me, okay?"

"I'd be happy to, Detective Vecchio. And you have a nice day."

"Yeah, I'll do that." I hang up the phone. Where the hell is Fraser?

********************

The sun's going down and I'm driving to the Consulate to see if Fraser's there. I didn't hear from him all day, and I finally ended up doing the interviews alone. Would've been better if Fraser was with me; we always get a lot more information when we work witnesses together. I just hope he's at the Consulate now 'cause I'm getting worried. I'm not sure what I'll say if he's there, but I know I'll be happy to see him. The idea that he took off to Montana to see Janet Morse keeps pushing into my head, but I can't believe he'd do that, not without telling me, even if he was mad, which he was. But why wouldn't he tell Turnbull? Yeah, sure, Kowalski, Fraser's gonna tell Turnbull his personal business. I almost called a few airlines to check what flights they had going to Montana today, but I stopped myself. Damn it, I'm acting like a fucking jealous husband. What the hell's wrong with me anyway? I guess when you're afraid you're losing something that means everything to you, you sort of go off the deep end. 

I pull up to the Consulate and see the lights on, so I park on the sidewalk and run up the stairs. It's after hours which means the door will be locked. I knock and wait; god, I hope Fraser answers. I knock again...wait...knock...wait...knock louder...wait...pound...wait.... Shit! He ain't there. I walk back to the GTO, looking back over my shoulder with every step hoping to see him appear at the door. But he doesn't. The thought of Montana keeps crossing my mind, but my heart tells me that Frase would never do that. He wouldn't leave me like that. But where the hell is he? Why didn't he call me? Is this his way of punishing me? Well, then, if that's what it is, he's doing a damn good job of it. Didn't know the Mountie had it in him. Okay, Fraser, it worked; now where are you? I get into the car and start the engine with one last look at the Consulate. Nothing. I guess I'll go home and check my answering machine.

No messages. Fuck. I'm really getting worried now. I look at the bottle of Jack that's still on the coffee table...nah, I need to keep a clear head. But if it turns out that Fraser left me, I'm gonna dive into that bottle and spend at least a week in there. It's my fault. All my fucking fault. I look over to the chair where he was sitting last night, and the spot where he was with me, kissing me. He wanted me, and then I had to open my big mouth. Jeez. I drop down on the couch, take off my boots and socks, and rest my head on the back, closing my eyes. No music tonight. Just me and my thoughts. My regrets. Got a shitload of those. 

********************

"Ray."

"Whaa....? I almost fall off the couch, but something pulls me back up. I look over and there's Fraser sitting on the couch next to me. I rub my eyes to make sure I'm not dreaming and check the clock; it's ten-thirty.

"Fraser, I been worried all day; didn't know where you were; Turnbull didn't know where you were, he said you didn't leave a note, the Ice Queen was out spreading sunshine somewhere else, I went to the Consulate, I called you a million fucking times; where the hell were you?" I take a breath.

"Ray, I'm sorry. I told you I had some things to take care of for Inspector Thatcher which required I be away from the Consulate for the day." He's taking his jacket off while he tells me this.

"No, Fraser, you didn't tell me that last part, the part about being away from the Consulate for the day."

"Didn't I?"

"No, you didn't. You said you'd call me in the afternoon."

"Oh yes, so I did. I'm sorry about that, Ray, but the opportunity to call you didn't present itself, so I....."

"You're punishing me, aren't you, Fraser? That's what you're doing, isn't it?" He looks surprised.

"Punishing you? No, Ray, of course not. Why would I....oh, you mean because of last night."

"Yeah, yeah, because of that. I pushed you out the door with my big mouth. I'm sorry, Fraser, I don't know where all that came from last night. I know it sounded like I was questioning your word, but I didn't mean it that way. I'm good with you going to see Janet and spending some time with her. I know you don't have those feelings for her 'cause you told me you don't, and....

"Ray, I'm not going."

"Uh...what?" Oh god, I hope I heard him right.

"I said, I'm not going." He smiles at me, and then he takes hold of my hand and starts massaging it. Mmm, nice.

"You're not?"

"No."

"Why not?"

He looks at me and his smile disappears. "My place is here with you, Ray, I love you." He kisses my palm like he did last night. "I've got everything I want right here in front of me. Why would I need anything else?" Those words are music to my ears. But I have to be sure.

"You really don't wanna go?"

"Do you want me to go?" He's looking at my hand while he says that and I can see the corners of his mouth turn up in the tiniest of smiles. He's fucking with me now. Okay, I can play that game too, Mountie.

"Yeah, Frase, I thought maybe it would be a good idea if you and I didn't see each other for a while, you know, take a vacation."

"I'm glad you feel that way, Ray, because I'm booked on the red eye to Montana tonight and I was wondering if you'd drive me to the airport." Now he's looking at me real serious, and I'm learning fast that in addition to everything else he's fucking great at, he's also a pretty good actor.

I could continue with this game, but I don't want to. I just want to make things right with him, like they were before I read that stupid letter. I put my arm around him and pull him to me, leaning in to him and kissing the side of his neck. "I love you, Frase. I'm sorry I opened my big mouth last night. I don't care what happened with you and Janet, you're with me now and that's all I care about." I breathe in and smell his neck; his scent is so Fraser, good, clean, musky. I start licking him; he tastes as good as he smells.

"Do you...oh my...really...feel that...way?" His voice is sort of halting. I smile against his skin.

"Yeah, Frase, I do." He turns towards me and kisses me, real deep, it's so fucking good. His mouth tastes like that bark tea he likes so much; I never realized 'til now how good that stuff tastes. I love kissing Fraser, it always turns me into jelly, 'cept for my cock, which is already aching to get outta my jeans. We kiss for a long time, soft sweet kisses, and than deep, passionate ones. Finally, when I almost can't stand it anymore, Fraser puts his hand on my crotch and squeezes. I groan and push up into his hand.

"Bed......," he says into my mouth, and I stand and pull him up with me before the word's even out of his mouth.

********************

"Is this what you want, Ray, like this?"

"Oh yeah, Frase, so good, so fucking good."

Our eyes lock for a second and then he turns his head and kisses the inside of my leg, biting it softly, at the same time he thrusts into me one more time, lifting my hips up off the bed.

"Jesus, Fraser!" My eyes close as I feel that first surge; I spurt over both of us as I'm hit with wave after wave of incredible release, my breaths coming in loud gasps. I finally manage to open my eyes to find him watching me, his expression intense, eyes dark and shimmering.

"C'mon, Frase, lemme see you come."

I squeeze my butt muscles hard and narrow my eyes, like I'm issuing him a challenge. I love to watch him come, and I love that I'm the one making him feel this way. 

"Oh god, Ray...Ray!" And now he's coming inside me, throwing his head back and arching up, lifting my hips off the bed again, his entire body shuddering. 

"Yeah, Frase, so fucking beautiful."

His breathing slows down and he leans forward, sliding out of me, lowering my hips back down. My legs drop to the bed and he falls on top of me, catching himself with his forearms so he doesn't hurt me. Grabbing a T-shirt off the floor, he wipes us clean, tossing it back on the floor. Then he lies down between my legs, resting his head on my belly; I reach down and stroke his hair.

"I can hear your heart beating," he says, and he reaches up and rests his palm over my heart. 

"Yeah, well, you almost killed me there, Frase, so I'm grateful you can still hear it." He lifts his head and smiles at me. I smile back. Then he puts it back down again. I love being with him like this, when he shows me a part of him no one else gets to see. I want it to last forever. 

"What are you planning to say to Janet?" Oh fuck, there goes my mouth again getting me into trouble. I hold my breath and wait. Fraser shifts off me and lies down on his side facing me, his body propped up on his elbow with his head resting on his hand. I glance over to him and he's looking at me.

"I told her the truth, Ray."

"You already spoke to her?" 

"Yes, I did."

"When?"

"Today. She said she totally under....."

"Wait a minute. Hold it. Back up." I raise my body up and lean on my elbows.

"What?" he asks me. 

"Are you saying you had the time to call her, but you didn't have the time to call me?" He makes a face like he's thinking it over. 

"Well, I guess that's exactly what I'm saying." Now I sit up all the way. 

"Jesus, Fraser, I thought you said you weren't punishing me."

"I wasn't punishing you, Ray. I merely ran out of time." We stare at each other for a few moments. I squint my eyes at him and he smiles innocently. I lie back down.

"Okay, Fraser, so you were saying. She said....?"

"...that while she's disappointed that I wouldn't be coming, she's very happy for us."

"Wait, wait, stop. You told her about us?" I'm back up on my elbows.

"Yes I did, Ray."

"And she said she was happy for us?"

"Well...yes."

"Well, yes? What does that mean?" He looks up at me.

"Never mind. Go on," I say, and lie back down again.

"I made sure there was someone else she could turn to since I wouldn't be there, and she told me she and the children would stay with her Mother for a while."

"And you're okay with that?" I ask him.

"Yes, Ray, very okay." He reaches over and squeezes my arm.

Guess I won't need those plastic pillowcases after all.

The End


End file.
